"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principle difference between a dog and a man."
-- Mark Twain
"It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper."
-- Jerry Seinfeld
"I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it."
-- Stephen Wright
"I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out."
-- Stephen Wright
"I bought some batteries, but they weren't included."
-- Stephen Wright
What if this weren't a hypothetical question?
"I couldn't tell if the streaker was a man or a woman because it had a bag on its head."
-- Yogi Berra
"If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?"
-- Art Hoppe
"I hate women because they always know where things are."
-- James Thurber
"I've always followed my father's advice: he told me, first to always keep my word and, second, to never insult anybody unintentionally. If I insult you, you can be damn sure I intend to. And, third, he told me not to go around looking for trouble."
-- John Wayne
"When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'"
-- Stephen Wright
"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?"
-- Stephen Wright
"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place."
-- Stephen Wright
"Why does the Air Force need expensive new bombers? Have the people we've been bombing over the years been complaining?"
-- George Wallace
"I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me."
-- Woody Allen
Life...is like a grapefruit. It's orange and squishy and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.
The optimist says we live in the best of all possible worlds and the pessimist fears this is true.
"I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top."
-- English Professor, Ohio U.
"Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care."
-- William Safire
"If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?"
-- Abraham Lincoln
Antonym, n: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
-- Dave Barry
"The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy."
-- Sam Levenson
"When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it."
-- Clarence Darrow
"Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...."
-- Carl Zwanzig
"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
-- Stephen Wright
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."
-- Mark Twain
"Weather forecast for tonight: dark."
-- George Carlin
"A diplomat...is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip."
-- Caskie Stinnett
Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, you can always take something for it.
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
-- Lily Tomlin
"I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves."
-- August Strindberg
Always borrow money from a pessimist: he doesn't expect to be paid back.
"Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?"
-- Dick Clark
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others."
-- Groucho Marx
"You wouldn't have won if we'd beaten you."
-- Yogi Berra
"People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily."
-- Zig Ziglar
"Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?"
-- Jack Handey
If you have no courage, you must have fast legs.
There are 3 types of people in life: those that can count and those that can't.
"There are two different kinds of people in this world: those who finish what they start, and"
-- Brad Ramsey
"I knew we were in for a long season when we lined up for the national anthem on opening day and one of my players said, 'Every time I hear that song I have a bad game.'"
-- Jim Leyland
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps you in touch with the children.
An optimist is a man who, instead of feeling sorry he cannot pay his bills, is glad he is not one of his creditors.
"The word 'politics' is derived from the word 'poly', meaning 'many', and the word 'ticks', meaning 'blood sucking parasites'."
-- Larry Hardiman
"Sooner or later we all quote our mothers."
-- Bern Williams
"I phoned my dad to tell him I had stopped smoking. He called me a quitter."
-- Steven Pearl
"My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle."
-- Henny Youngman
No one is entirely useless; even the worst of us can serve as horrible examples.
"A word to the wise ain’t necessary, it is the stupid ones who need all the advice."
-- Bill Cosby
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
-- W.C. Fields
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
-- W.C. Fields
"People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first."
-- David H. Comins
"I like weights. You know where you stand with them. Well, sometimes you're lying under them, trying not to let them crush you, but you see, you KNOW they'd crush you if they could. There's honesty."
-- T. Campbell / Gisele Lagace
"A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down."
-- Robert Benchley
"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
"Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn't start a conversation."
-- Kin Hubbard
"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'"
-- Ronald Reagan
"If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?"
-- Scott Adams
"When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them."
-- Rodney Dangerfield
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